spending time by myself is something that i’ve been doing a lot of these days.

is it wrong to hold out for the perfect situation? ever since i moved back home i realize more and more that i want a future for myself. a comfortable one where i’m not constantly struggling and worrying and stressing about how i’m going to do ANYTHING at all. i want a life for myself where i can be independent and thrive by myself. no help from anyone. and i’m just not there yet.

first of all, i’m jobless. go fucking figure. with the job market the way it is right now i should have known it would have been a little more difficult to get a position here. although, i did already get a job. and immediately turned it down because of the lack of paycheck it would provide. although every once in a while i think i should have maybe reconsidered, i realize now that it was the right thing to do.

as soon as i get a job with the kind of salary that i need, i’ve got a mini-plan that i’m working over in my head. step 1 is to pay janice for everything that i owe her and pay off my rent in pittsburgh all the way up through may and get moved out of there permanently. step 2 is to pay off my credit card bill. get caught up on my student loan bills (which i owe missed payments on), and pay back my parents for the money that i’ve been borrowing since i’ve been here. step 3 is to get a new car. it doesn’t have to be BRAND new, just new to me. i need something dependable. something that will actually (god forbid) WORK. and i need something in MY name that i can take care of myself. something that’s going to last me the next 10+ years of my life. after the car, i’m going to start working on step 4 which is to move into my own place. i’m not going to rush this since i currently am living at home, rent free. and also so i can save up some money for car payments and rent and things of that nature. i also am going to be very picky about where i live so until the perfect situation arises, i’m going to wait. i’m going to excersize patience for once in my life.

and patience is something that is hard to come by lately. because i’m sitting here and i’ve applied for dozens of jobs and i have yet to hear ANYTHING. not from the places i’ve already interviewed with (save for the one job i turned down) and i’m losing steam. you know, for the last 4 years i have worked my ASS off non-stop and i have lived paycheck to paycheck and tried to scrape by on what i had. i’ve been exhausted and i’ve been dreaming about a time that i could have to myself to relax. and now, that’s all i do. i just sit here…by myself…and i relax and i read books and i cuddle with my cats. i long for human interaction and something INTERESTING to happen every single day. most days i don’t even go outside in the gross cold and dreary weather. i just NEED SOMETHING to happen. i need something to come my way soon before i start getting really depressed about this decision that i’ve made. because i still don’t know if it’s the right one.

i guess i’ll just have to wait and see.