i see the lines on my hands and i remember back to all of the things that they’ve done. the people they’ve touched. the times they’ve been my only companion. the lines run deep now, and the ones that don’t are all the signs of my aging skin. i remember being a kid. chewing my dirty nails. using my hands for fingerpainting. what did i think i would be back then? a ballerina. a veterenarian. a mother. a teacher. a singer. a writer.
i guess i’ve always been a dreamer. it’s just the whole -making them come true- part that i’ve always had a problem with. and at this stage in my life, i don’t even think i have dreams. i don’t really have many people around here anymore. i’m quiet and subdued. and i remember why i wanted to leave here in the first place. and then sometimes things seem right…and i remember why i call it home.
i hear the jet planes flying over my house at night. it seems like they go on forever if you really pay attention and listen long enough. you get lost in the thought of that. someone is up there flying in the sky while you’re sitting in bed…dreaming about things that will probably never happen for you. the things you’ve always thought you were good enough for, now seem like a joke. you see those movies where the good person gets what they deserve in the end. a better life, someone to love, everything falling into place.
that has never happened for me. i’ve never felt completely at ease with where i am in my life. it’s like i missed a step a long time ago and now i’ve spent every moment in my life a little off beat. and i can’t catch up to where i’m supposed to be. and that fucking sucks. and the worst part is that i can’t even describe how i feel about anything. everyone has a shitty life. people in haiti are dying. dead. suffering. and all around me people are making bad decisions and paying for the consequences and i feel like i have to take care of everyone else first. donate my time, because that’s what i feel like is RIGHT for me to do. it’s my responsibility to fix everyone…or at least temporarily make them feel better while i can. and never tell them that I AM feeling terrible too. because no one wants to hear my stupid complaining in times like these.
so i sit. and i see my hands. holding these books. soaking in all these lines from all the years of work and regret and loss. pretty rough around the edges. but they’re my hands. and they don’t hold much. but i hope that someday they will.
spending time by myself is something that i’ve been doing a lot of these days.
is it wrong to hold out for the perfect situation? ever since i moved back home i realize more and more that i want a future for myself. a comfortable one where i’m not constantly struggling and worrying and stressing about how i’m going to do ANYTHING at all. i want a life for myself where i can be independent and thrive by myself. no help from anyone. and i’m just not there yet.
first of all, i’m jobless. go fucking figure. with the job market the way it is right now i should have known it would have been a little more difficult to get a position here. although, i did already get a job. and immediately turned it down because of the lack of paycheck it would provide. although every once in a while i think i should have maybe reconsidered, i realize now that it was the right thing to do.
as soon as i get a job with the kind of salary that i need, i’ve got a mini-plan that i’m working over in my head. step 1 is to pay janice for everything that i owe her and pay off my rent in pittsburgh all the way up through may and get moved out of there permanently. step 2 is to pay off my credit card bill. get caught up on my student loan bills (which i owe missed payments on), and pay back my parents for the money that i’ve been borrowing since i’ve been here. step 3 is to get a new car. it doesn’t have to be BRAND new, just new to me. i need something dependable. something that will actually (god forbid) WORK. and i need something in MY name that i can take care of myself. something that’s going to last me the next 10+ years of my life. after the car, i’m going to start working on step 4 which is to move into my own place. i’m not going to rush this since i currently am living at home, rent free. and also so i can save up some money for car payments and rent and things of that nature. i also am going to be very picky about where i live so until the perfect situation arises, i’m going to wait. i’m going to excersize patience for once in my life.
and patience is something that is hard to come by lately. because i’m sitting here and i’ve applied for dozens of jobs and i have yet to hear ANYTHING. not from the places i’ve already interviewed with (save for the one job i turned down) and i’m losing steam. you know, for the last 4 years i have worked my ASS off non-stop and i have lived paycheck to paycheck and tried to scrape by on what i had. i’ve been exhausted and i’ve been dreaming about a time that i could have to myself to relax. and now, that’s all i do. i just sit here…by myself…and i relax and i read books and i cuddle with my cats. i long for human interaction and something INTERESTING to happen every single day. most days i don’t even go outside in the gross cold and dreary weather. i just NEED SOMETHING to happen. i need something to come my way soon before i start getting really depressed about this decision that i’ve made. because i still don’t know if it’s the right one.
i guess i’ll just have to wait and see.
so. here i am. i’ve been offically back home for a little over a week now and it’s going….slow.
i think there’s something to be said for the fact that here i have friends who have been my friends for years and years. most people fall out of touch with those who they knew in high school or even before those times. and yet, those are the people who i’ve found it easiest to stay close with. the people who know me inside and out. the people who have seen me grow and change and have stayed by my side through it all. the ladies who will someday (assuming i ever get married) will be by my side at my wedding. or when i have kids. or whatever life will throw at me.
with that being said…i’m also trying to move past all of the people who i formerly knew. the people who made me want to leave my home in the first place. i feel like i’m in a better place emotionally right now than i have been in a long time. i’m confused, yes. and i’m a little scared of what the future might hold for me, but i’m content in that. i’ve got the comfort of my family and the home i’ve always known and that makes everything considerably less terrifying.
i dont have a job right now. it’s the first time in YEARS that i’ve been unemployed. and i have to say that it feels absolutely amazing to have quit the job that i hated so much. i am so thankful that i don’t feel miserable every single day because of one terrible person. i feel liberated. i feel free. but mostly i feel bored because having nothing to do all day is very frustrating. i have a big interview tomorrow and i really need this job. if i get it…it will absolutely change my life. it will be something new and challenging for me to take on and it will be more money than i’ve ever even dreamed of making. it will literally save me from the ONE THING that has been plaguing my life for so long…DEBT.
wish me luck
it’s all going to change now. and i’m not sure if i’m happy. not sure if i’m sad. not sure if i am making a mistake…again.
but i’m doing it.
here goes nothing…
i don’t feel that it is necessary to fill my life with useless complaints and ridiculous drama.
on this earth, i have come to realize, that there a very few people on this earth who get me. who understand how i feel about the world. how i feel about life and loving and living. there are exactly TWO people in pittsburgh who get me. they probably aren’t the ones most would guess. i don’t have time to waste on petty drama. the truth is that i care 10times more about everyone else than i care about myself. it absolutely KILLS me when someone takes the tiniest thing that i do or say and turns it into something dramatic. especially when it’s just…NOT. maybe i should watch what i say. maybe i should be a little more careful. or maybe, just maybe, you can realize that there are more important things going on in this world. better things to waste my time on than trying to secretly sabotage your life. the forces-at-be are always busy fucking up my world. i have one fuck of a mess to clean up. the mess that i have made of my life.
i dont need this.
i dont have time for this.
and the worst part is that i cant even talk to you about it because you’ll do exactly what you always do, turn it into something that it’s not. and i dont have the heart to deal with it ANYMORE. so i guess i’ll just leave.
pittsburgh is wearing me thin.
but i guess it’s the holidays that really make me feel sad. i miss my family. i miss my HOME. i feel like i got away from Louisville when it was really necessary for me. i got away from certain things and people that were just very toxic in my life. and i feel like i’ve grown up so much. i feel so much more independent. i feel comfortable being on my own. but the reality of everything right now is that i’m struggling financially. and i just found out that i’m going to have to get a new car. this is on top of my monthly credit card bill. student loan payments. cell phone bill. rent. and the money that i owe janice which is almost as much as rent. so, basically…i’m fucking screwed.
it really makes the most sense for me to just move home and live with my parents for a little while until i get caught up and back on my feet. that would save me $350 dollars a month.
but i’ve got a lease here until May and I’ve got to consider all of my options. My next paycheck is going to be next to nothing because of all the days off I’ve had this week.
I HATE BEING A GROWN UP.
i can’t even do it right.
i feel like i try not to complain.
every now and then, though, i just want to. but why is it that sometimes, when you just want to complain and have someone listen or understand…they feel the need to top your complaint? throw a little pity party where they are the birthday girl or boy and you just got a slice of their massive pity cake.
why do you always have to be wrong, and they are right? even if you aren’t trying to prove a point or make a suggestion. you’re just talking. getting something off your chest. why can’t i just express how i feel with no reprecussions? why is it okay for everyone else to get angry and mean but not for me?
it’s because this is the position i’ve put myself in. i’m the fixer. i mask everything with a smile. i have always pushed EVERY SINGLE TINY problem i’ve ever had aside to make everyone else feel more at ease in their own world. i have constantly been the person by your side helping you when you’re down and listening to your bullshit. i’ve been the only friend who stuck by you while you selfishly ruined every other relationship in your life. and then when it’s time for me to get just a little of that in return, i don’t. when you get angry with me for something petty, and i apologize EVEN THOUGH i know i was in the right…why can’t you do the same for me? why can’t i be angry? why can’t anyone LISTEN TO ME.
i take all of this back.
there are a select few who will take me in all my glory. who will understand.
and i will be with them again in 2 days.
the 4th kind.
it’s always sunny in philadelphia.
hanging out with some southern boys this weekend.
there have been a lot of silly things happening lately. mostly involving pointless drama and my friends. i feel sorry for people who can’t just appreciate the beauty around them. who can’t see that this is the only chance we get to make a great life. why waste your time making enemies when you could be happy?
i have a lot of things to complain about. shit’s always going wrong in my world. but unless i embrace it, and move on, then i’m never going to get anywhere. ever. i want to get somewhere. i want do do something. i want to just be happy. it’s damn near impossible to be happy if you’re constantly drawn into negativity.
i love that my mother has taught me all of these beautiful things. and i’m happy to have her in my life to understand me when i feel like no one else will.
